Why do I attack you?
These are some “reasons” that I came up with as to why we change from defending an idea to attacking a person.
It’s easier—much less effort is required and if we have practiced it enough, it has become a habit—which means we do it without even thinking about it. By the way, an excellent book of the science behind habits is The Power Of Habit by Charles Duhigg (video by this same author). I was surprised to learn that you don’t even need memory to create a habit. But I digress…
We just know they are wrong—There are times when I am convinced that the person with whom I am speaking is just plain wrong but maybe I don’t know how to articulate my position or haven’t done the research to support my beliefs.
We are frustrated that they don’t see something that is so obvious to us—it seems strange to us that someone else living in this same world could come up with such a different conclusion. But the truth is, we don’t live in the same world. Each of us have our own world of experiences and then our analysis of those experiences has the potential to further separate our beliefs.
We think that our intelligence or life experiences are superior. How easy it is to think that my experiences are more valid than those of someone else. If I was raised in a certain type of environment, does that make me an authority on everyone raised in that kind of environment? I have been reminded recently that no one person can truly speak for all persons of a “group” unless authorized by that group to do so.
We feel threated (though we might not admit it) that our world view might not be totally correct. What? I might be wrong? Unthinkable!
We feel shamed—this is a very hard emotion to deal with in a mature manner. I recall within the last year when I felt shamed by what someone did and I did not handle it well. This can easily happen when we put our “shoulds” on someone else.
We felt attacked—this can be real or perception driven. Regardless, our body functions just like it would if we were in real danger—fight or flight.
It feels good—to tell someone off. How much of social media rants are just to make us feel better, like we really did something of value.
I no longer need to treat them as human—truthfully, this could be a reason we do it, but regardless, it is a consequence of an attack whether it be name-calling or attacking in some other way. Sure we could talk about how the dehumanization of groups of people has resulted in mass genocide, but I think it is of much more immediate value to recognize we do the same thing when we attack a person instead of the idea.
Love? Are you Crazy?
It seems that much of the “discussions” on social media are attempts to show one’s superior knowledge and use a sledge hammer to beat that “wisdom” into the head of someone who lacks it.
A great quote says If I have all knowledge (which I don’t) but don’t have love, that knowledge is of no value. That “having love” is not referring to relationships with whom we are on the same page. As Jesus said, what credit do you get for loving those you love you—even those who don’t believe in God do that. Would it be a fair test to ask ourselves, when we feel we need to make a post which will correct someone in their erroneous beliefs, will that person feel loved after they had read my post?
I know, there will be people reading this post who will think I am crazy and that it is impossible to practice this in the real world. My response to that is that we (yes that includes me) are often too lazy to be kind and we do what is easy instead. If you don’t think it is possible to be kind, in the real world, in certain situations, feel free to give me an example and I am willing to give it a try.
Money back Guarantee
By the way, you have my commitment, and $100 guarantee, that I will not attack anyone on social media—I will reserve that for in person contacts😊. That doesn’t mean that I won’t disagree, but I will attempt to do that with kindness—knowing that people are more important than any opinion I may have.
If you have other “reasons” for which we fall into the trap of personal attacks, I welcome your input.
Last thought—I think too often, and boy can I be guilty of this, the more we agree, the more we feel like the person is a “friend”, but the more we disagree, the more we feel like that person is an “enemy”.
I don’t want my lack of embracing your beliefs to prevent me from embracing you as a person.